So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
somehow he and i always have our deepest conversations after phone sex.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
I just put on my phone calendar to remind me of my final child support payment in 2029
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
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