I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"
I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.
don't worry... so do I
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
Either she got face surgery at midnight, or i need to stop drinking...
Part of my whole not being a slut anymore involves not giving other peoples boyfriends blowjobs
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
But what we lack in money, we make up for in dry humor and drugs
He responded to all of my texts prodding for dirty talk with "I will do anything you are comfortable with."\n\nChivalry is great, but being comfortable doesn't get me wet.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
We're going to watch the inauguration and fuck. Or fuck and watch the inauguration, I'm not picky, just get your ass over here by ten.
You know how fear has a smell? Well turns out shame has a smell too. It's Pina colada flavored anal grease.
Randomize
