boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
I just told him that with every paper, I'd take a picture of myself with one less piece of clothing. Who say's I can't be a tutor?
I think I'm a wingman for every guy who bangs a girl I scarred in highschool.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
