Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Remind me to tell you a really funny story about me and arson.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
I might have to quit marching band. It's affecting my drinking schedule
Once my new license was put into my hand, a light from the heavens shined down and pauly D's voice was in my mind saying ohh yeaaah 21 yeaaah
Randomize