Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
Thanksgiving break drinking is a marathon, not a sprint, and i need to be well rested
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
She has "Massive Shits" listed as a turn off. That's very specific and there's a story behind it I bet.
Sweet, got a date tomorrow night
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
Well, I got fired yesterday. At least I already paid for my Adele tickets.
I fear our relationship is coming to an end. Last night I felt the need to bloody apologise for waking him up with a blow job.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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