I was 10 minutes late leaving for lunch today because I couldn't lose a boner. It is impossible to tuck it when your shirt is tucked in...gotta quit facebook stalking hot chicks at work
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
billy ray cyrus is narrating a show on the history channel. my iq cant decide whether to go up or down.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.
Irrelevant. Does he have queso? That's the real question.
Apparently he walked into the room and started yelling at some huge hairy dude to get out of my room. Except it wasn't my room... Because he was on the fourth floor.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Got electrocuted a second ago, is it weird that I have a boner?
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
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