you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I'LL COME GET YOU. GOTTA FIND A SUIT THAT COVERS TIT BRUISES FIRST.
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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