I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
Tell me you didn't have sex with my dad.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
I couldn't really understand you because you were really quiet and I said "I don't know what you're saying, it's kind of a big mumble" and you said "that sums up my life"
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
It still amazes me Mike had to have neck surgery after eating me out so much.
Randomize
