i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
I was driving around a golf cart with a keg in the back before I got caught by the cops. First slow speed chase ever
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
ayo
its like you know when i get waxed
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
Randomize
