and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
This is how my night is going so far. The bartender bought our last two rounds and I'm chasing a bee around the bar with a foam bat.
Because its Monday... And I'm determined to just be drunk for the rest of the semester
Are you setting a date to bone me?
Are you accepting?
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Gross! What the hell is that?!?
It's quite clearly a man posing erotically with multiple packages of bacon.
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I'm not sure... But I think I just found a porno I starred in during my black out week of '08.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
Randomize
