plz talk dirty to me
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
It would be one hovered percent delicioui
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
How does it feel to date your dad?
Wow. Ok who would waste Game 7 ticket on kids?!
Poor parenting at its best
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
Randomize
