summer is not the time to consider going full bush.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
He's watching Always Sunny and eating refried beans straight from the can.
welp,tonight ive reached new levels. by new levels I mean,i showed some guys my boobs for water. on your tab.. the most pointless thing ive ever done. either we should hang out way more,or never again.
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
I turn 40 next week. I deserve to celebrate the end of my 30’s with a 21 year old dick
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