life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn
what?
i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
Well, remember that night we took shrooms at graces an had to leave immediately to go home and hold each other on the futon and sob for four hours? That bad...
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
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