theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
Apparently throwing balloons filled with vodka off the roof is considered terrorism.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
Hooked up with a girl in the dorm laundry room tonight. And got invited to go to Vegas for free. That's how today's going.
He told me that he wants to fuck me only wearing a princess tiara...How could I possibly say no to that?
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