the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
It's one of the many facets of my drunken alter egos. I'm like substance abuse batman.
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
