I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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