You smell like stripper and shame
My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Thanks, girl! That means a lot. I can't wait to share my jail stories with you over salad and cupcakes.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
You yelled "NICE PAJAMAS" at a construction worker wearing a reflective jumpsuit while we rode past on a bike taxi
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Tonight I learned to never try to impress your ex by dancing on the stripper pole while drunk. That’s how you end up in the ER
i don't think the phrases "so shitty" & "taking care of my newborn" should be combined in the same sentence. leave it to her to make it possible eh?
Randomize
