just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
Her parents hate her and she's on like major lockdown. All her friends are in jail and she has massive pit stains. Dude... It doesn't get much worse than that.
: am i supposed to send the mass text 'merry christmas!' to my booty calls too?
I opened my browser to a doctor page titled "serious pain under left side of ribcage". Last night must have been healthy.
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
there was 'chicken suit porn' in my search history.......also 'scuba diving porn'
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
He compared my vagina to his favorite T-shirt. I don't know if I should take that as a compliment or not..
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Randomize
