Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.
i kinda regret how quickly i gave it up to him, but i just wanted the regular fucking to begin soon. ah we made good memories.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?
Because we had sex in one.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Dude, no, you tried to sleep on the stove. I mean. You were pissed when I stopped you... but I couldn't have you catching on fire in my house.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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