I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
Don't worry, the house smells like waffles more than sex
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
