He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
I added "don't hook up with boys with girlfriends" to my new years resolution and realized how sad it was that it made me actually feel like a better person
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
with the possibility that i could very easily fall in love with him and i've actually talked to my HUSBAND about it
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I like how I can go from sucking dick in the my basement to singing along to veggie tales with my family in a span of 10 minutes.
Randomize
