He can hate all he wants but were fucking with these crocs on
Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?
I'd return your shirt, but it got all wet from lying on the bathroom floor while I was in the shower with Justin's roommate...
Keep it.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I hurt so much. Not in the emotional way, but in the I went to dive bars sorta way.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
I don't know what's worse the fact that I woke up with a clit piercing or the fact that I didn't pay for it.
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
you know you need to get laid when: getting wrestled to the ground in a self-defense class turns you on....p.s. this is a booty call
My brain is a dvd screensaver and I'm allowed to have a good thought when it hits the corner
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