The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.
only on the fourth of july.
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Had a guy offer me a shot. But he wimped out when I asked for tequila and instead ordered gummi bear shots. I don't think he has balls. I didn't stick around to find out.
How do you initiate sexting are u supposed to be like yo I'm peeing and eating a clif bar and texting and thinking about you naked all at the same time
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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