just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
he tried breathing fire using moonshine and a roman candle. would not have believed it unless i actually witnessed it.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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