I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm not saying he was bad at sex, but I'm pretty sure I anti-climaxed.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Picking up third year law school girls is like MILF hunting for beginners
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
Besides, I'm not in my 30's. I'm still allowed to drink wine from a bag.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
He just sent me a picture of multiple chickens eating in his kitchen... should I be worried
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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