um i just realized that some of the people at my family reunion look inbred. thats not a good sign.
hahaha beady eyes set close together? defs inbred.
my dads cousin just put a cig in his dogs mouth and says, "look its a commercial for newport!" holy hell i hope im adopted.
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Why is your signature on my underwear?
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
This is a test message to see whether or not the recipient is alive.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
