saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
stuck in a tree...bring a ladder. also my arm might be broken. no questions are allowed.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
It's like Jesus got stoned and this would be the sandwiches he'd make
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
he brought with him gifts of cookie dough and penis. upgrading our relationship from fwb's to bf/gf was an incredibly smart merger.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
