dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Word to the wise, never look up your hot young doctors on Facebook before you're discharged. You will find things and no longer be able to take them seriously.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize
