u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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