Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Do you own a cuff key and know where Karen lives?
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
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