i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.
He claimed he was the best ass eater of the south. He was right.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
