Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
It was good I woke up with my mattress on top of me. I walked around naked the whole night as people wished my Happy Birthday.
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
This isn't a because its valentines day booty call, it's a because your cock is phenomenal booty call that happens to be on valentines day..
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
