I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I spent most of the night convinced it was my birthday. But I was probably wrong, it can't be January, can it? I'm 90% sure its not. But maybe. The days have got shorter. Is this what unemployment feels like to everyone?
The guy I met last night said we had a real connection and gave me his AA coin because he met me during his relapse
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
I was convinced to buy a man thong.
But it's Armani so it's okay.
God I just out gayed myself.
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
I was going down on her and she started whistling "Whistle while you work." I'm in love.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
And the last thing I remember was you in the bed with the german guy screaming "wrong hole" I laughed n passed out
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