my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
just saw sorostitutes streaking near the university president's house. thank you tequila day
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
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