She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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