between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.
Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop
I need to stop smoking. I just talked to corn.
"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Called my house today and my 10 year old brother answered and asked if I was still in jail
i now understand why vodka
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
He ate me out in a limo while we were driving home. I love bars being open again!
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