I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You kept calling me your small dog last night.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Wake your ass up this is a day of horror where we get horroibly drunk and sleep with tandom dudes who wish they were super heros ps i havr stuffed animals over my privates im a petting zoo this year
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
sometimes i just have a bad day n consider lowering my standards
Randomize
