we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me
I just dry heaved the smell of jagerbombs....which proceeded to make me hurl for real.
yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I enjoy the level of friendship we have achieved until you ask me to determine what may or may not be gentile warts via iphone pic
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
He is currently passed out on his toilet. Point day drinking.
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
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