I should be sponsored by Trojan
She calls her new ritual "bed, bath, and beyond crunk". Hence why I found her passed out in my bath tub this morning.
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
These are the things that make me so grateful... that I slept with your sister instead.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
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