so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!
Just drove through Taco Johns wearing a drug rug and no pants. When I rolled down my window, the girl paused for a minute before saying "um... 4.07"
The fairy wings and cowboy hats were not the issue. The bag of cocaine that I held in the air as we drove in the parade might have been.
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
My liver appreciates your vow of avoiding matrimony
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
Who the fuck hid 3 Zimas under my pillow?! Icing doesn't count when it's 8am the next morning and everyone's left and you've passed out on your couch. Currently chugging 2 of 3...
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Randomize
