Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
I mean its cheating, but i figure i've made out wiht married chicks before so its like a nicotine patch, quitting by doing less and less each day
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
There's nothing like a guy talking about your vagina as if it's delicious food to make your day better.
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
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