Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
you will always have a special place in my vag
We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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