if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.
oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to
There were two girls and a guy on a bed and now i can put porn director on my resume.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I'm standing up, for my all my brothers and sisters, and fighting against whiskey dick.
I was doing good, then they gave me free shots
He accepted my bet of 5 bucks to bike home completely naked. Never got asked about the 5 bucks, guess he enjoyed it too much
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
