We made it safely. Thanks for the call though.
Great. Don't do shady things like that ok?
But he was like 75 and lives right near mom and dad. Not a threat at all.
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
Ask politely.
Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?
Thats good enough.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
As a general rule of thumb, I don't call until the claw marks have healed.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
my goal for the rest of college is to escape STD free. fuck getting a job. this is more important.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Put on your bikini and meet me at the pool \nit’s cock o’clock!
Randomize
