Cold hands, warm shart.
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
drunk me is my new role model. he's fearless. like not even afraid of tornadoes.
my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed
The only good thing about this is that the pharmacy guy will stop trying to add me on Facebook.
I didn't know your ex looked like a male Khloe Kardashian?
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
I was legit late to work one day Bc it took me so long to get a good nude
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
