the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Dude, nobody just eats a banana these days. This chick wanted it. She wanted to get down with Charlie Brown.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How ya feelin' champ?
Like a million bucks that was soaked in alcohol.
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