So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
My entire life is one complicated drinking game
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
If you spent as much time trying to get laid as you do masturbating you would surpass all of us.
my human sexuality class is the only class where the porn i watch the night before is relevant to the discussion the next day
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
So to add to headbutting the microwave while waiting for my hot pockets to cook. I apparently told both bartenders earlier in the night I was going to fuck them both. I hate black out drunk me..
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
So I just had breakfast and then sex in a parking garage before he went to school and thus I am loving my life
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
Randomize
