I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
You're like my zumba instructor for alcoholism right now
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I learn from experience and I experienced what it would be like to completely lose my mind and then wake up with a stab wound.
I feel like I just want to take a shot of jack, have sex, and shoot myself in the face. In that order exactly.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
Yeah, so, that moment when the repair guy comes in and you see your cock ring on the counter one second before he does.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Just because I stayed up all night betting on Australian Horse Racing doesn't mean I have a gambling program.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize
