I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
There are the 2 BIGGEST tools by me-- at our table. I hate them. But they're not ugly and I may make out with them later. And hate myself. Definitely hate myself.
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.
cassie wtf are you alive??! no one has seen you for like seven hours whereeee did you go
IS IT POSSIBLE FOR A GUY TO NOT HAVE BALLS
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
You haven't lived until you've snorted coke from a Pharaoh's hand baby
I just thought you should know.... I am fully committed to being a ho this summer
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
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