Running into every girl no one would hook up with here at rick's. Typical.
She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.
My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I got blood in my smoothie but it still tastes ok. Fuck glenfiddich.
You motherfucker. I just had an MRI with a penny under my boob.
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Randomize
