Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
Going to.goingto.gtoing to DIE DIE DIEEEE......i feel like everyeone impotrant in my life like MLK is judging me.... saddd day
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
At a bar across from the city police station. I PROMISE I will do something great.
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
I just bought two 8 Balls of Coke from the chick nurse that stitched my leg together in the ER after my bike accident last summer.
Randomize
