god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I had a disgustingly explicit dream last night involving myself and lil wayne.
BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
they said they heard you say put it in my butt
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
Couldn't find any balloons, so we're doing whippets out of condoms. Being a ho has its benefits.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
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