just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I was trying not to text you this weekend, so I deleted your number when I was sober. Then auto restore at midnight. It was like drunk magic
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
My phone autocorrected "shhhhh" to "AHHHHHHHHH" and I feel like that says a lot about my life
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
