my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR
I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
I totally gave him head in sync to Beastie Boy's Sabotage playing in the background.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
Randomize
