he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
Gary just stuck his dick in his Guinness. I can't even make this up
Turns out your granddad is cooler than you. We're taking him on our New year's eve pub crawl instead. Sorry.
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