Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Strike three, the fat brides maid they call shit puker also has herpes.
I get hit on by the prison guards every time i go to see him. Seriously.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
The 666th photo in my phone is of him and if that's not a sign that he's secretly the Antichrist, idk what is. Also, bring more rum.
Randomize
