He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
A 20 minute car ride back to your car with the girl u had drunk anal with is the most uncomfortable thing ever.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
We made a water bong out of a wine bottle... Being an architect major finally payed off.
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
Thought about it. I'm gonna go to work, but I'm gonna tell them I wrestled a bear saying I fell just isn't working.
Asking for a friend: is it frowned upon to eat pizza while you materbate or does it just mean you are fantastic at multitasking?
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
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