every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
i need a new camera phone. my pictures from last night are as blurry as my memories. and neither tell me why i woke up in an airplane hangar.
I think I should have my paycheck direct deposited to the bar
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
So I definitely tried to pay a cab with baseball tickets last night
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize